Chapter 25 - Letting Go Of Everything

So after writing up too many diseases and lectures I finally decided to take a break and write a fanfic! Before it's like near midnight and I just end up falling asleep on the laptop :P.

The picture is the black & white of chapter 2 of the prequel. Chapter 2 talked about her dreams, this one symbolises the shattering of all of them. 

The song used in this one is one of my favourites, it's "Breathe Again" By Sara Bareilles, do listen to it if you already haven't.

It'll be a short chapter but the next one where it returns to the actual FF will also be attached ;).

~ Maybe it's sad that these are now memories. And maybe it's not - The Perks of Being A Wallflower ~

Arnav scrunched his eyes open, his head was heavy and he shook it slightly, trying to get away from the dull throbbing at the back of his head. He attempted to move his arm to bring to his head when he felt something weigh it down, someone against his chest, the slow movements of a chest, light breaths, soft flesh. His eyes snapped open suddenly, a shiver ran down his spine and he thought his world had suddenly collapsed. He lay there for a few seconds, unable to comprehend it all just yet; it was Khushi, snuggled into him, her naked body against his. He moved away from her, quickly removing his arm from around her waist, what was going on? And that's when the images came to him, one by one, he scrunched his eyes shut. Remnants of glass on the floor, the drip of his blood, "ARNAV!" Her voice, his pleas. He sat up suddenly, "No no no!" He mumbled to himself. He could feel his breathing quicken, his chest almost heave for air, he looked to her from the side, what had he done? What was he doing? 

"I love you too Arnav. Arnav please stop this," her voice again, he couldn't get it out of his head, her tears, how she had held him. Their wedding flashed through his mind suddenly, how she had agreed, how it had all transpired, her silence, how she seemed to take his every blow her way without a word. He crumpled the sheets in his hands unable to take the weight of it all. Quickly getting out of bed he walked away from her, from what now he was beginning to understand, from the biggest mistake of his life. 

----

She fluttered her eyelashes, a slow yawn escaping her as she finally opened her eyes, a tiny smile spreading over her lips. She kept her eyes closed, the events of the night before playing back through her mind. 

"I'm so sorry Khushi." 

"Please make me stop loving you Khushi," she couldn't stop the smile on her face, he loved her, all was not lost, she would be able to win him over and she would. She decided, in fact she was adamant that she would make him see the truth, she would bring it forward one way or the other. Khushi slowly opened her eyes, the streaks of sunshine piercing through the french doors falling onto her face but the next second her face dropped. He wasn't there, the sheets on his side were still crumpled, his warmth still lingering, but he wasn't there. She sat up on the bed suddenly, her eyes searching for him, they'd reached another turning point in their lives the night before and she now needed to talk to him. So where was he?

She felt her breath hitch in her throat, her eyes widened as her gaze finally fell on him. His chocolate brown eyes had darkened, the stubble more prominent, his jaw set, a distance to his gaze, his shoulders slack. Her gaze moved lower, to his hand that gripped a handle to a bag and she felt her heart stop and stutter. His words came to her almost as if from a distance,

"I've packed the stuff that I could find," he spoke with his gaze away from her, trained on a plant in the poolside. He couldn't face her, for more reasons than one, his grip tightened on the suitcase, he scrunched his eyes shut for a moment, gaining the strength he needed to say what he wanted to. "I'll be working late today, I hope you'll have left by the time I get back," he stated calmly, placing the bag on the floor. 

She felt as if she could not move suddenly. She had thought things were finally going well, that they might talk things through, work something out. But she had been wrong? He had packed her bag? Was asking her to leave? She felt tears pool on the brim of her eyes then slowly trail down her cheeks as she tried to make sense of the situation. He saw it two, the tiny drops of dew, he averted his gaze, controlling the desire within him to just cuddle her to him, wipe her tears and kiss her worries away, but he couldn't. Too many things stopped him from doing that, from a tiny gesture that could have changed the course of their lives forever and stopped the unraveling of the events that would then follow. But he didn't and with that one decision he would eventually find out that he had written the fates of three people. He walked away, his footsteps hurried as he escaped, fled from her, from the truth, from his mistakes because he was too much of a coward to face them, too much of a coward to face her. So he left, leaving Khushi behind, her expression still frozen, her breathing slow, her heart rate rapid as she processed his words, as they repeated over and over again on her mind. "I hope you'll have left by the time I get back." Why was life being so cruel to her?

She finally wiped her cheek, her hands harsh on her soft skin, a steeliness taking over the souls of her eyes as her shoulders straightened, her hands fisted. It was finally time to move on, she couldn't fix things, she would never be able to make him understand and so she would leave, like he had asked her to and she would never come back. She would forget him, move on like she had always intended to. 

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back

At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?

All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one

Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

She held the suitcase he had packed in her hand, tears streaking down her cheeks, dropping onto her top. She turned back one more time, letting her eyes travel over his house, where too many things had happened, where she had lost him. And yet she yearned to go back, to make things work one last time, but she knew it was a lost cause. They didn't have anything anymore; every time she got her hopes up, they just came crashing down, so she stifled her expectations, her dreams and climbed into the taxi, her mind already set. 

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

She remembered his touch, his warm breath on her face. 

"Don't get too happy. I haven't been stalking you."

"Because I obviously sparkle in the sunlight too."

His banter, the conversations they'd shared all coming back to her. She let the tears streak down her cheeks in torrents, her hazel orbs swimming in their own little puddle. She watched the raindrops as they slid down the glass, slowly blurring the view out. She couldn't stop the thoughts from hitting her one by one, their first kiss, the taste of raindrops mingling with his taste. Their very first meeting; all those years ago at the airport and then when she saw him again; a different man, yet the same in all aspects that she'd known him. And then them again, in the rain, like the very first time as the drizzle had made way for sunshine, his love for her, his desires, how he had always had that way of cheering her up. And then what had happened, Shyam, his misunderstanding, their marriage, his grip tight on her wrist. She felt she was going to break down pretty soon but she held herself, she had to be strong. He'd been blinded by his own anger, his own misunderstanding and he'd ruined her, he'd left her with no one, not even her own heart. 

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn about

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

But she'd move on, she'd build her life from scratch again, because what else could she do. She needed him, he'd ignited that spark of hope within her the night before then blown it out again. She felt her heart shudder than shatter into a dozen tiny pieces, today she would leave a life, a love that she would never see again. 

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

****

He watched from the glass window, the hustle and bustle down below mirroring every thought that was passing through his mind. His fingers tightened on the glass in his hand and he scrunched his eyes shut for a moment, letting her eyes, her tears, her quivering lips flash through his mind. The helplessness in her face, all of the times that he had hurt her. He threw the glass onto the floor, letting it shatter into pieces, letting the golden liquid in it flow out onto the carpet. 

I love you too Arnav. Please just stop this. Just stop this please.

Her gentle plea, the genuineness in her voice and he knew that she had not betrayed him that he had been wrong, that he was wrong. But he couldn't face her, he couldn't let her back in his life anymore, he was a monster. He had hurt the only person that he had dared to love, he hadn't trusted her, hadn't let her explain her side of the story. He grabbed a paper weight from the table and flung it against the wall, letting it shatter too, letting it break into pieces and clatter down to the floor. He didn't have the courage to talk to her and if he was being honest with himself he knew he couldn't know that she had been right all along, he didn't have that strength in him. 

It hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

It hurts to be here

What am I gonna do?

He had only wanted simple love in his life and when it had finally come his way he had destroyed it with his own bare hands. He fell into his seat, bringing his hands to his face, this would be his punishment, he would live with the guilt of all that he had inflicted on her alone for the rest of his life. 

****

She walked in silence to the little room that she had managed to find, her fingers shaky on the keys that the landlord had given her as she struggled to put it into the opening, her tears still blurring her view. Tonight she would forget everything, kill the Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada she was and build within her a new Khushi Kumari Gupta, one that would be devoid of a past. 

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching 

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Hold my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breathe, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again...

~

It had been raining that day from morning to night - the kind of soft, monotonous, misty rain that often falls at that time of year, washing away bit by bit the memories of summer burned into the earth. Coursing down the gutters, all those memories flowed into the sewers and rivers, to be carried to the deep, dark ocean." 

- Haruki Murakami, The Elephant Vanishes

~

~End of Prequel~

No no not the end of the actual FF ;). Story if continued in the "When Truth Prevails" Blog.

Link to Chapter 5 (or 29 ;)): Chapter 5 (or 29) - Memories of a Teardrop